Dear Talking Head:
Tonight you may be invited to comment on the final Presidential Debate. Judging on your performance after the last two debates, you will probably have some difficulty scoring tonight's debate - difficulty that the rest of us don't seem to suffer from.
Pretty much everyone is saying that McCain needs a "game changing debate." McCain himself has said he will whip Obama's "you know what". Political reports in India even know that McCain needs a game changer. So you should probably know this, too, seeing that it is your job to know this.
Also, in case you were unaware, which it seems like you might be, "game changing" they mean a debate in which McCain performs dramatically better than Obama.
Therefore, using simple logic, there is an easy formula that can be used to score the debate.
- McCain must significantly outperform Barack Obama (i.e. have a "game changer") to win the debate.
- If McCain has not significantly outperformed Barack Obama by the end of the debate, he has lost.
In other words, guys and gals, there is no tie, there is only win or lose.
Now, let's look at how McCain can perform dramatically better than Barack Obama.
- Obama stumbles, making a standard McCain performance better. This is generally acknowledged as McCain's best chance as a game-changer. Unfortunately for McCain, surveys have shown that Americans feel that a standard Obama debate performances is consistently better than a standard McCain performance, using the first two debates as a measuring stick. Taking this into account, McCain must hope for one of the following to win:
- Barack Obama runs off the stage.
- Barack Obama begins speaking in tongues.
- Barack Obama falls out of his chair - more than once, preferably.
- McCain has a cutting attack that Obama is unable to respond to. This would allow him to paint Obama as "unready" or "unprepared." Problematic for McCain are two basic facts. First, America already knows what his attack is going to be, that stupid Ayers thing, or maybe ACORN, which nobody cares about to begin with, and that Obama already has responses to. Second, when McCain attacks Obama Americans see it as negative politics, and, as a result, McCain's negatives go up and Obama's positives go up. Taking this into account, you can only give McCain a win if he does one of the following:
- Proves that Barack Obama hates pie.
- Says "assphinctersayswhat?" and then Obama says "What?"
- In a polite, kind, and respectful manner, makes a series of cutting critiques of Obama's proposed policies while simultaneously distancing himself from the Bush administration and offering substantive new policies that would address the issues that Americans are concerned about, like economy and health care. Haha, just kidding on that one.
Barring one of these two events, McCain has a few options to fall back on:
- Heal a leper.
- Make a pony appear out of thin air.
- Publicly and substantially repudiate the hateful rhetoric that his campaign has filled the airwaves with, including the death threats against Senator Obama, acknowledge that his campaign has gotten out of control, and pledge to take Palin off his ticket and to remove all staffers who were involved. Haha, again, kidding.
Again, and in seriousness, I urge you to look at the above formula, Mr. or Mrs. Talking Head. John McCain must significantly outperform Barack Obama tonight. If he does not, he has lost the debate. The end.
I hope you've found this primer helpful, and I look forward to you ignoring this logic and other logic tonight when declaring the debate a tie, despite all evidence that a tie is a loss for McCain and the panels of undecided voters who will, most likely, declare that Obama has won the debate.
Best regards,
Zenbowl